There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar. The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors and the list goes on... Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!
"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask...
"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I."
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golfball lying right beside him.
"Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy.
Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."
The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks to himself, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him.I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."
Well, a year goes by and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"
"It's great! I hit under par every time."
"I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?"
The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill."
"I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?"
The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."
The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once or twice a week?"
"Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!" She says again, "Well put them here between my legs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!" She looks at him at says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"
An American business man visiting Japan decides to visit a Japanese whore house -- after all, he's heard it can be pretty wild. He pays his money and is led to a room where a Japanese girl is laying naked on the bed. He gets on her and starts screwing her. The Japanese girl starts going crazy and yelling out, "Oing Cho! Oing Cho!" He figures she's really liking this, like she's never had something so great, so he starts really giving it to her, and she keeps yelling out "Oing Cho! Oing Cho!"
The next day, he's playing golf with his Japanese counterparts. He puts his ball on the tee, swings, and hits a beautiful 250 yard shot right onto the green. Everyone nodes and smiles. An older Japanese man puts his ball on the tee, swings, hits a beautifuly shot, and the ball lands on the green and rolls in the hole!! Everybody goes fucking crazy!!-- a hole in one! All his friends are congradulating him and praising him in Japanese. The American, not sure what exactly to say, blurts out, "Oing Cho!! Oing Cho!!!" Everybody stops and the the old man turns and says, "What you mean, 'Wrong hole?"
An 80 year old man went for his annual check up and the doctor said, "Friend, for your age you're in the best shape I've seen."
The old feller replied, "Yep, it comes from clean living. Why I know I live a good, clean, spiritual life."
The doctor asked, "What makes you say that?"
The old man replied, "If I didn't live a good, clean life the Lord wouldn't
turn the bathroom light on for me every time I get up in the middle of the
night."
The doc was concerned. "You mean when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord Himself turns on the light for you?"
"Yep," the old man said, "Whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me."
Well, the doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife came in for her check up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said. "I just want you to know," the doctor said. "Your husband's in fine physical shape but I'm worried about his mental condition. He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him."
"He what?" she cried.
"He said every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him."
"Aha!!!" she exclaimed. So he's the one who's been peeing in the refrigerator!"
God walks up to Adam in the garden of Eden and says "Adam, I've got some good news and some bad news"
Adam replies "Oh Fuck here we go again"
God says "Shuttup and listen. As of today I am giving you two new organs. One goes between your legs and is called a penis. Eve will love it, It'll be handy at picnics and you can treat it like a brand new toy. The other organ is a brain, this one goes in your head and you will be able to make logical, rational and well planned decisions with it".
Adam can't believe it and asks God "Okay so whats the bad news"
God replies "I can only give you enough blood to make one work at a time".