Revised Retirement Policy

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for departmental areas, we are forced to cut down on our personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting younger people take the lead. this program will be in effect immediately, and will be called RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early)

Employees who are RAPED will be given opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. Provided they are being RAPED, they can request a review of their records before actual retirement takes place. This phase is called SCREW (Survey Capabilities of Retired Early Workers)

All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may file an appealwith upper management. This will be called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination) Under terms of new policy, an employee may be RAPED or SCREWED only once, but can be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If the employee follows the above procedure, he or she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) As HERPES is considered a benefit plan, an employee which has received HERPES will no longer be RAPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policyto ensure that employees are well trained through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). The company takes pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any other company in this area. If any employee feels that he or she does not recieve enough SHIT on the job, see yoor supervisor, who is specially trained to make sure that you recieve all the SHIT you can stand!!!